Entry One:
For the first time I feel time like a heartbeat, the seconds pumping in my breast like a reckoning. The luminous mysteries that once seemed so distant and unreal, threatening clarity in the presence of a truth entertained not in youth, but only in it's passage. I feel these words as if their meaning were weight being lifted from me, knowing that you will read them and share my burden, as I have come to trust no other. That you should know my heart, look into it, finding there the memory and experience that belong to you, that are you, is a comfort to me now as I feel the tethers loose and the prospects darken for the continuance of a journey that began not so long ago, and which began again with a faith shakened and strengthened by your convictions, if not for which I might never have been so strong now. As I cross to face you and look at you incomplete, hoping that you will forgive me for not making the rest of the journey with you.
Entry Two:
In med school I learned that cancer arrives in the body unannounced,
a dark stranger who takes up residence, turning it's new home
against itself. This is the evil of cancer, that is starts as
an invader, but soon becomes one with the invaded, forcing you
to destroy it, but only at the risk of
destroying yourself. It is science's demon possession. My treatment,
science has attempted exorcism. Mulder I hope that in these terms
you might know it and know me, and accept this stranger that
so many recognize but cannot ever completely cast out. And if
the darkness should have swallowed me as you read this, you must
never think there was the possibility of some secret intervention,
something you might have done. And though we've traveled far
together, this last distance must necessarily be traveled alone.
Entry Three:
I have not written to you in the last 24 hours because the
treatment has weakened my spirit as well as my body. Mulder,
it's difficult to describe to you the fear of facing and enemy
which I can neither conquer nor escape. Penny Northern has taken
a downturn. I now look at her with a respect that
can only come from one who is about to walk the same dark path.
Seeing her I can't help but see myself in a month or a year.
I pray that I have her courage to face this journey. Mulder,
I feel you close though I know you are now pursuing your own
path. For that I am grateful, more than I could
ever express. I need to know you're out there if I am ever to
see through this.
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